will it come back?

The last few days I have been very quiet for the simple reason that my life is mainly dominated by thoughts I keep on squeezing up and up again in my brain - like a tube of toothpaste which is empty but that can still be used to get a little out of. These thoughts I squeeze are beautiful in nature and concern my time in Hong Kong. I am raiding people's Facebook accounts, looking at their pictures, being amazed how much I missed out when being in that exact place. I want the time back and that's why I keep on squeezing and pressing until my head hurts and I find myself in the state of pitty I found myself in a couple of times when being in that exact place. Realizing it's over only came now. It only came now that I realize it's over, that nothing can bring back these times and that I have to accept that fact. I cannot bring all the people and the exact environment together to just live on and on and on. I will meet people again but will it be the same? Won't it be more like: "Oh dear, do you remember that time?", indulging ourselves with what used to be rather than to concern ourselves with what is and what will be? I guess time is and always was my enemy in so far as I would love to put time on stop and experience certain moments or spans of time forever or at least something more imaginable.

At the same time I should be so grateful being as privileged as I am to have had the experiences and to change with them. And here I am, seeming to fail but still not giving up hope to bring it back to something I cannot bring back. I am overly melancholic as well. I think most people are when they think of times that were lifechangingly good. They (including myself here) seem to oversee negative experiences that used to be part of the positive whole which again makes them seem positive.

Just thoughts. Nothing more.

of flies and men.

I'm lately beset by thoughts of how men differ from animals. They don't. Well, let's say men are complicated animals - at least I do think that.

I am basically talking about myself here, since this is the only reference I have. You see, I have not yet discussed this topic so I'd like to know if you, dear reader, would agree or disagree with my point of view.

Now, the basic argument to defend my thesis is a trivialization. That's why I took one of the, in my eyes purest of mother nature's animals - the fly. Pure, because their life is very short and only serves the purpose of surviving to give birth to small flies within a couple of days after their birth. Is already this a similarity?

The fly sat down and started cleaning itself on my arm. It simply strapped off the ballast that clung to its legs and flew again. I watched it flying abrupt turns with a system that could not have been any more unclear to me. I drank my coffee, feeling for this small insect that obviously was as confused as me when I am walking in a supermarket, trying to figure out what to eat. Similarity number two. At a certain point this confusion had passed as the fly began to fly towards a small girl sitting next to my table. It sat down on her neck, obviously attracted by the moisture human skin produces in small quantities. It started cleaning its legs again and eventually started to suck up the thin layer of moist.

And so do we. We are no different than flies or any other being. The only thing that distinguishes us from them is triviality. Our problems seem to be so complex for we don't see that they consist of several small attributes - small pieces that are problems themselves, be it laziness, unwillingness or just fear. Whereas the fly straps off all its ballast that hinders it from tasting, flying straight or eating properly, we push problems. Everyone does. I believe there is no one that gets rid of all problems that may hinder the way. The fly does. It simply cleans itself. And that's what makes us complicated. The bigger the problem, the more numerous are the attributes from which it evolves and the more people it involves, either directly or indirectly connected.

Our life basically consists of small problems, just like the fly's life exists of an urge to find new food, or just to survive as long as it can to give birth to as many flies as it can (which can be a problem because they are so annoying to us). These problems give that fly a reason to exist. It knows (or maybe not): "I don't know much but I have to give birth to some other flies in order for us to survive. And I am hungry. What's that long thing in my face called again?!? Damn it....my brain's simply too small. Flag it!"

We should just do it like the fly and confront our problems right away in order to keep them fairly small. I think that humans develop more and more towards being so complicated that a distortion or even an abstraction of mind sets or the being itself takes place. Is there a human being that is just as trivial as a fly? Is this even desirable? Do we want to get rid of our problems straight away or do we have to keep them within us because we exist to be thrilled by something?

Well, I am back. Back in the country that should've served as my transition before coming to Germany. But here I am after all. The reality slowly catches up with me as my mind slowly focuses on matters that do matter. Studying obviously for the moment, internship applications later. I am excited to see where the world will put me but at the same time I feel the solitude of a student who has only 4 months at his University. Such a short time and still so many things to accomplish. I am sitting in my newly decorated room, trying not to think too much about what is going to come. Fukuyama does not really help me to get on with this thought but at least it's some kind of distraction.

The end of history? Certainly not.

of blue lights.

Hamburg is a city that has its very own, unique charm. It is after long nights out that I enjoy sitting by the harbour most, looking out for the sunrise and ships moving back and forth, forth and back. Sunrise and sunset alike fill the scenery with golden colors and warmth. That is the time when I close my eyes and see the blood red of my eye lids becoming more and more intense, listening to the ships moving back and forth, forth and back.

Yesterday, I went to the harbour and felt the solitude surrounding me as I swept away in the long views of lost lights. The blue was cold, yet warm as I felt the calm melody of our song dripping softly into my ears filling it with red waves of blue light. Nothing matters in times like these. No future, no past, not even the present and the thought itself. Only the ships move back and forth. Back and forth.

belated picture update - pt 2

The ornamentic and carvings in the temples of Angkor. It is stunning.

Sunrise, sunrise,... At the temple on top of the hill in Angkor.

On the Meking, waiting for the fresh water dolphins. If you read Lars' blog you can read the story of the "Papagaienduijkers" and you'll know what I felt like.

In the Ratanakiri province in Cambodia.

Being lazy on the lake I was musing about in an earlier post. It was so beautiful.

belated picture update.

Borneo - the diver's paradise

still on the dive trip on the beautiful island of Sipadan.

The slightly disapointing Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur

Sam, Jojo and I in Siem Reap, one night before visiting the temples of Angkor.

She is one of the cutest children i have met on this journey. Short story - I always have and still do find bus trips absolutely terrible and boring. Thus, I thought how bad it must be for this small girl in Borneo and got to the result - even worse. She was with her sister and I started making funny faces which the two enjoyed a lot and answered to me in the same manner. The bus ride passed by a lot faster and I will not forget their looks of appreciation, a look I got to know in Hong Kong. It is a look of relief, a look of sympathy and a look of astonishment. That and a little smile - how much better can looks get?

culture lost?

I certainly do think so. I feel strange in a culture that once used to be mine but has now become a blurry something that does not give me what I expect from my own culture - a feeling of being home. I live here, I love to see my friends and my family again but apart from that I feel terribly strange in this country. The time in Hong Kong and beyond has been such an intense one and coming back from this chaotic place called Asia has taken its toll on me (or better a piece of my heart from me).

As lovely as it is not to be travelling and changing positions daily brings me back to a slower life that I do not accept as it is. The independence, the anarchistic approach and lifestyle of backpackers is lost for now and I don't know when (if ever) I can be part of it again and if my approach to be free in such a pretence that travelling appears to be to me is possible.

For now I have to live and adjust in a culture that I enjoy for trivial reasons but has lost a big part of me to a different part of the world.

"Le temps le plus important c'est la première fois.
Le temps le plus important c'est la deuxième fois.
Et après ça la troisième fois et on recommence.
J'ai perdu les habitudes de ma jeunesse et je me
sent désunis et à part de ma propre histoire
et on recommence."